I apologise reservedly for my slippage of late, I got Right-Hand to clean himself up and I came back to the reality of the modern age for a while and do a bit more on my other blog (rather good it is too, even if I do say so myself). The great thing about being a kitchen cupboard based experimental quantum scientist means I can recreate my experiments willy-nilly, meaning dear blog-goggler that I can pick this shambolic tale of time travel up whenever I like. How cool is that?

Derrick was exactly where I left him (see, it works every time), in the woods doing his thing. The Um-Bongo bear dance. We had gained a fair amount of acclaim in the woodland, building the act as we made our rather slow journey out of the forest on our way towards London.
Firstly I had to explain to Derrick what Um-Bongo consisted of (canny bear, got it written into his contract), and being a rather stubborn but keen to try new things kind of dancing bear, he wanted to drink some and wouldn’t move until we did.

I tried my best, really, but apricots, guavas and mangoes are not easy to find in Sixteenth century England in general, let alone a copse in what will later be known as Barnet (actually you would be lucky to find all 3 in Barnet now). So I made a concoction with crushed conkers, and squirrel blood (well he is a bear for fucks sake, he needs meat, BingoBearSnacks I am not). He seemed to like it by the third tankard (trinket from episode 1), we strode begrudgingly onwards to London, keeping a vigilant eye out for little red furry things scurrying about in horse chestnut trees.

I was secretly chuffed when I first got to the sixteenth century, being a fan of food and gluttony in general and have always fancied one of King Henry VIII’s huge dinners.

Medieval Meat Madness.

Walked a whole day in the direction of Buckingham Palace, no map, no worries, got us there. Wasn’t built, but was definitely in the right place. Twat.


In the morning we got up and took a stroll to see how the Tower of London looked.

Once we got past the portrait painters outside by the river “4 groats guv’nor, have it to your lodge in 4 days, full colour, can add a Virgin Mary and a bit of manuscript for another 2 groats”. We set up our pitch, and pulled out the slick....
I am getting used to having a bear as a sidekick, all I do is play last episodes tune, and he does his thing. It’s a mix of the moonwalk, with a bit of freestyle body popping towards the end. Think of the Hoffmeister Bear and multiply it by groovy and you’re there. These moves are still “busting” in your time, merry olde England is freaked by the stuff Derrick is throwing down each time he gets a shot of “squonkers”.
We did our thing by Traitors Gate for about an hour and my plan plopped into place. A proclamation was posted on the portcullis of the tower.

All strange men, and enchanted bears in their possessione, must come inside thee gates herewithe and entertaine youre kinge. Nowe

Signed

The Kinge

Ps Nowe!

It’s gonna be chicken tonight, chicken tonight…….